doing nothing when is needed to do anything

This phrase I saw posted in a forum, while talking about what people could do to hurt you, made me think about the way I so often behave.I say I don't want any help, while in fact I want it...I say I want to be alone when all I really want is someone to stay besides me.
People around me, of course, accept the words I say and leave me alone.and all I can do in certain cases in just sitting on the floor, on my carpet, and waiting for my mind to rearrange things and react to what has made me blue.
I know my behaviour is completely stupid -- I mean, you shouldn't ask for the contrary of what you want, should you?

Still, it is something that belongs to the inner me.

I suppose it partially depends on the fact that I wish someone will understand what I really need and care enough for me to go behind my words.I often dream that someone could just sit next to me on my carpet, passing an arm around my shoulders and offering a shoulder to lean on....
I know that one is supposed to do things on his/her own, because yourself is the only person you can count on, but still sometimes I wish I could rely on others.

I am telling a lot of lies lately (not here, of course!) and I am not proud of this.I lied to my family, I lied to some of my closest friend because I don't want to see them right now... And I can't even explain the reasons for that.Well... maybe I can tell one reason: as usual, I want others to think that everything is going on well in my life, that I am not alone as I really am, that I do not miss someone in my life so much.

Tears are filling my eyes as I type -- and I feel a sort of weight on my chest.
I am sad because I am not studying hard as I should
I am sad because I know I am wasting my time
I am sad because I want what I can't have

I am sad... but everyone around see me smiling and happy as if everything was going the right way!

It's a strange period... I feel I want to runaway, but I am also waiting for someone to come and knock at my door.