Death and all his friends

Been to my first funeral on Wednesday. I was in the back raw, trying not to cry because sort of it was not my turn to cry. Mom saw Jake from the distance and she later told me he is handsome and she does not remember about him at all -- and  that doesn't surprise me, it always seem we do not know anyone in that town. Strangers in the place were I used to live..

Death mades me think about a lot of things. What if someone close to me should die? What if I should die today?? A part from the obvious economic things -- guess my savings will be lost coz no one knows where my money is -- I am pretty sure the church will be empty, a part form a  few family members, and Jake...

It was so heart-breaking to see a church full of people who cared for a person I scarcely know. Everyone wanted to be there and say good-bye.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw Jake walking alone with a hand on the rear window of the car taking his mother to be burnt to ashes. A part from his uncle, no one was close by so I just walked to him and embrace him. He was crying and wispering in my ear he loves me and I could not reply but cry.

The afternoon before she died, he was at my place and I told him about the pill I missed and that we had to be a little more careful and use a condom. We did but we didn't really had sex. After a bit he just confessed that he wanted to have a kid even if he knows he cannot afford it and that it is not the right reasion to have a kid. Up to today, my thought keep going to a child.. A little girl nick-named Ricky..

I wish I will became Jake's confident one day but I am still pretty sure that somehow he will always keep me at a certain distance. Perhaps he's too afraid, maybe he simply doesn't feel he can completely trust me. I can be so fickle and I am pretty sure people around me simply understand it better than I do..

I really wander what is going to happen next, how one can coexist with grief and mourning and just keep going..